Lawrence Page Driving Google Car

If Google Built Cars

Remember the old If Microsoft Built Cars meme that imagined a hypothetical vehicle built by the company that brought you the Windows operating system and all its annoyances? A car available after the year it was named for that you’d have to periodically restart? That you’d be constantly pressured to upgrade? That came with new features like the “General Car Fault” warning light which competitor models already had for years? And so many faults that people just accepted?

As Google approaches the same slumbering monopolistic phase that Microsoft went through, it’s time to put the beloved search giant to the same test. How would a Google-manufactured car look and act?

1. A particular model car would always be in beta.

2. Most available windshield space above the fold of the dashboard would contain ads, carousel images and knowledge data (car dealership stickers that you can never pull off without ruining your paint job)

3. Popular unprofitable car models would suddenly be discontinued and mourned by customers.

4. The rear bumper would feature a nofollow feature that would nullify any perceived or real advantage gained by tailgating cars.

5. Every time a new model car was released, traffic would drop.

6. A personal driving results history would take drivers to destinations the driving algorithm determined – even if drivers had no interest and were embarrassed by being there.

7. You would be able to find any recent, relevant, popular item that you had thrown in the back seat.

8. A spokesman would busily rebut consumer complaints about the latest model. Feedback would be gathered and brought to the attention of engineers but there would never be a recall.

9. Google cars wouldn’t compete with GM or Honda or BMW. They would not even be called “cars” but rather a “vehicular layer” which could be built into other Google products.

10. In order for the car to start, you would have to be logged into your Google+ account.

11. You couldn’t buy fuel for the car. You would have to earn it naturally.

12. You wouldn’t have to drive it. The vehicle would know where you wanted to go before you left.

13. Google cars wouldn’t sell well in China.

14. The Europeans would sue for huge amounts in damages because the vehicle violated some obscure law and it wouldn’t phase Google.

15. Google Motors loyalty program members with over 10 years tenure who read the fine print, followed the rules stringently and cheered for the company would have their memberships cancelled.

16. You would never know the passengers who rode with you. That information would be “not provided” for your own well-being except in cases where drivers used the paid Google cab service.

Larry Page Driving Google Car Wearing Glass

Published 01/06/14, Edited 02/04/18.

About Emory Rowland

I'm an Atlanta SEO consultant and founder of Leverable. SEO has been part of my life for over a decade and always will be. I love helping people improve their search performance aka "lift for the good guys" through Leverable. I believe in the empowering capabilities and rewards of effective SEO. Follow me at Google+, Twitter and LinkedIn.

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14 comments

  1. I’m really looking forward to item #12. It certainly seems like it’s coming, but I hope I can buy a self-driving car in my lifetime.

    In the meantime, it’s already freaky enough that when I get in my car Google knows where I plan to go and can give me quick directions to it. Or better yet, when Google tells me to get off my tail and get into my car so I’m not late for the appointment I nearly forgot about. :)

    • Emory Rowland January 6, 2014

      It’s going to get really interesting when the autopiloted car becomes a reality. I hope it won’t be too dependent on the accuracy of Google Maps :)

  2. It will definitely be interesting to see what Google comes up with next. Any idea what their success rate is on their products? While their mail, docs, and search platform are revolutionary, they have had several flops as well. Hopefully if they really release a “vehicular layer” one day, it will be a raving success!

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  4. Leverable.com has a plethora of great articles.

  5. Emory, this is creative and entertaining. Your site design is pretty awesome too!

  6. With Ray Kurzweil (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uIzS1uCOcE) as the lead engineer of Google, we will have to login to our Google+ accounts before waking up. How much does this guys dialogue sound like the script from the Terminator movies? “Come with me if you want to live”

    • Emory Rowland March 10, 2014

      Brian Hughes – yeah, so if you don’t log in, you don’t wake up :)

      We’re all familiar with the disruption caused by Google search penalties. What if Google penalized your car?

      I don’t know what sci fi film best represents Kurzweil. Terminator, Robocop or maybe The Matrix? The classic theme of don’t mess with nature or it will bite you back seems at work here. That guy is indeed creepy.

  7. That’s some funny stuff right there. Because it’s ALL TRUE! LOL

  8. Emory Rowland May 24, 2015

    Kimberly, posts like this are my favorite kind to write and why I love blogging so much.

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